some mother truths I have learned... so far!

 1.      Motherhood isn’t an instant feeling for everyone.

I expected to have this instant knowing as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, having been told by a lady I knew from work that this is the case. ‘The moment we are pregnant, that’s it, we are mothers.’ She said. So it was a surprise to me that all I felt was fear, I was 18 and didn’t feel like a woman yet let alone a mother! Sometimes it really is a gradual unfolding and that's OK.

2. None of us are experts and none of us are perfect

I would watch other mothers and think damn they have it down. Until the day I finally attended a mums group. I had been told that I really needed to get out of the house and talk to other mothers, this was a scary concept as I was sure they would all take one look at me and realise that I was an impostor. We all kind of sat in a circle and the mums with various stages of baby, all who seemed much more confident in handling them than me where sharing various ‘failures’ (in their minds at least) and anxieties “I microwaved a bottle of formula” revealed one (she shook it good don’t worry). “I slept with mine in the bed with us, I’m so ashamed he could have died, the safe sleep guidelines…” Then I (and I still don’t know what compelled me to share this) revealed something I was so ashamed of… still am a little bit. “I shouted at my baby to shut up, he wouldn’t stop crying and…I was just so tired” I stopped, mortified that I had just blurted it out, the jig is up I’m revealed as the non-mum….

“God, you know I’m so relieved to hear you say that. I shouted at mine a couple of times too.” This lady who was the image of motherhood perfection to me, a muslin cloth draped casually over her shoulder, perfect pink baby being expertly burped. A few of the other mums revealed that they too had reacted in such a way to their babies’ constant ear piercing screams. One revealed that just a few days before she stood outside her car and smoked a full cigarette while she waited out a tantrum her toddler had been throwing all over the back seat. It turns out that it’s not just young first time mums who become overwhelmed by the epic transition of motherhood. It’s all of us.

3. Trust your instincts, they are usually right

Someone gave me a book, the worst book I could have cracked open at that time. The contented little baby book! I tried so hard to follow the instructions that had apparently been ‘a life saver’ for the well-meaning couple that gifted me this instruction manual (and it is an instruction manual). I tried to let my baby cry it out, despite my instincts telling me that this was just not me, this wasn’t right for us. I would be in tears, well we would be in tears trying to follow the books advice on scheduling until I realised that schedules and instructions gave me no pleasure or comfort before I became a mother, it just wasn’t in my nature so why would they help me now?! I’m not judging mothers who found this book helpful as we all have our own way. This way simply wasn’t for us. As soon as I started trusting myself,  being kind to myself and of course my baby, our life together became so much easier. If your instinct tells you that something isn’t right for you then listen to it. Listen to your heart and trust it!

4. Everything is temporary

When my son was crying in the night and throwing up or going through a transition that took up all my energy and spirit I felt like it would last forever. One day I told my Mum how I wished I could fast forward to when teething was over. She said ‘don’t wish it away as it all goes by so fast’. I didn’t pay much attention to her at the time but boy was she right! My son is 13 now and I can barely remember those baby days that gave me so much stress. I did learn some skills in how to sooth a fussy baby, bring down a temperature, eat one handed, complete many tasks wearing a baby etc. I do remember watching his adorable little face as he slept, his laugh, the funny little noises he would make… but those times I found so all-consuming and stressful don’t really stand out in the scheme of things. It’s all temporary, changeable and constantly evolving.

5. Sometimes it’s OK to accept help and sometimes it’s essential

So I had been a mother for 3 years. I had it more or less down, I rock this shit! Or so I believed. I fell pregnant with my 2^nd son and planned to heal my first birth and have a great experience. Let’s forget about the birth and focus on those important early days. I went into overdrive trying to prove how capable and together I was compared to my 1^st experience. I was resistant and defensive to any offer of support and unsurprisingly (from this 9 year distance) exhausted myself. After 2 defiant weeks of keeping on top of new baby life, housework, dinner making and running around after my 3 year old I became ill, a sobbing heap, weak with a virus and exhaustion. “What are you trying to prove?” My husband asked. I realised after talk with him that actually my mother in law was desperate to help. She wanted to feed me, support us and care for us the way I love to care for new families. I watched her happily take my washing and bring us shopping laden with lovely treats. After I adjusted to this new way of being I felt great, so cared for and actually grateful. I also felt a little guilty for not accepting her help before. I can’t stress enough ladies SOMETIMES HELP IS ESSENTIAL!

So those are just 5 of the many lessons I have learned so far, I’m sure we all have many many things to add but these are my choice few for now. To be continued!

Be gentle with yourselves you wonderful Mothers, we have got this, and each other!

https://thebirthgem.co.uk

Closing the bones, sacred touch for the body and soul

The air is thick with Oxycontin and the scent of warm massage oil. I feel the steady comforting pulse deep within the body of an open and trusting goddess as a her newborn sleeps serenely on her chest. I sink further into this sacred practice finding our perfect rhythm. I feel connected and guided by ancient hands. The room feels like our sanctuary, the blanket she lays on protected by an invisible force. I feel warm healing energy pouring from my whole being as I wrap and hold this amazing body, I silently bless the hips that have carried new life into this world as I sweep my hands around them in a practised loving movement. As I massage her stomach and hips she sighs, 'it feels like forever since I've been touched.'  As I tightly wrap her with the rebozo she lets out a deeper sigh and a solitary tear rolls down her face catching the candle light as it falls, I see the body completely surrender to the embrace.

I dim the lights further and tiptoe away to prepare a sacred bath of milk and honey, scatter rose petals into the water and in a beautiful path back to our sacred space. I kneel at her side and whisper that we are ready. This bath is a very healing moment, the perfect end to this closing ceremony as she did not get the water birth she had wished for. She climbs into the bath and I gently glide the baby towards her, rose petals clinging to the perfect pink body. Tears of joy are shed, a warm light radiates from her, I bathe in this most perfect moment with all of me and can't help but shed a few tears myself as the goddess whispers 'thank you, I feel like a queen, I'm a Mum.' She smiles and adds 'I'm really a mum'. Her baby who has been perfect and serene throughout starts to feed. Total perfection.

I leave the goddess and her baby to breastfeed and bathe together in their bliss. 

I drive home aching,blissful and feeling ever so slightly surreal! The feeling I am left with on arriving home is complete gratitude. My gratitude was of discovering another beautiful tradition and reclaiming it for our sisters. My gratitude is also for the blessing of amazing and profound experiences like this. I reflect on my training in the red lined yurt in Southese and remember knowing that I was meant for this, I look forward to sharing this sacred touch for as long as my hands will allow!
Thank you to Maddie and Sophie for the gift.

Nurturing the mother and myself

I have been talking a lot about self care recently. I had suffered for a while with hip pain and lower back problems ever since the birth of my now 12 and 9 year old boys, it’s especially painful if I have supported a long birth or not been keeping up with my daily yoga promise from last year, which is often if I am completely honest! I have historically ignored my own discomfort or pain and generally tend to just suffer through until whatever ails me goes away. Why do I do this and how many of us are guilty of this?! I had a moment of clarity when I was speaking to my own mother on the phone a while ago. At some point in the conversation she spoke of how she really would have liked some postnatal support. I was shocked as I had modeled my own postnatal experience on how I remember my Mum being growing up! I felt that my mother ‘just got on’ with it and coped so well and that I should too. I remember flat out refusing help from my mother in law who was desperate to look after me.  Wow! I thought, how far back does this go? I then at our next family gathering spoke to my Nan about birth and the postnatal period. My cousin was pregnant with twins and my Nan was passionately talking about how hard it is to have a baby and how ‘you really need support, you really need to be looked after’ This is a woman again who I saw as being a ‘just get on with it’ type of lady, I was surprised to hear this coming out of her mouth!

I tell new mothers to take care of themselves and allow others to take care of them. I treat women with Reiki, loving massages and nurturing postnatal food packages
(find out more at http://thebirthgem.com/doula-services-sussex) but when it comes to myself I ‘don’t want to make a fuss’ despite telling all women around me that ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. This year based on the conversation with my mother and many other inspiring conversations from women around me I decided enough is enough, time to practice what I preach and accept the loving I should have accepted 12 years ago. Better late than never I guess! I have made use of the wonderful community of women around me and have begun to feel comfortable with being touched and nurtured. I accepted the offer of acupuncture, I jumped at the chance for a local midwife to practice her reflexology on me, I have started a red tent to nurture my soul and connect with women around me on a deeper level and asked for closing the bones sacred massage swaps. The result of this letting go is that I feel better than I have done in years, I truly believe having a self-care plan will make me a better doula. I can rave about the benefits of self care and mothering the mother with a new understanding of what it really feels like to surrender in this way. I also, and this is a big one for me have now first hand seen the joy that nurturing someone and making them feel good brings to the caregiver. I love loving, I love mothering women and I now witness that love from both angles! So many years on and I can honestly from the depths of my heart say not just to others but to myself  a healthy baby is not all that matters. Mothers matter, we matter.